I'm In Crisis.

If I had a pound for every time I was told by a member of my care team that I am in crisis or that they are worried about me, I'd be a very rich woman right now. I have been crawling around in the pure darkness, on my hands and knees for a few weeks, maybe even months, I've had hospital admissions, I have been detained and I have had encounters with the police, I've chewed on PRN as if it were candy and I begged my psychologist to wave her magic wand and make my mental illness disappear. 

BUT there is no magic cure, no making it all go away. What I have found, whilst scrapping around on my hands and knees are some simple but very effective ways to bring comfort to the pain, and so I thought I would share them. 

1. Warmth - There is something so satisfying about hunkering down into warmth. Hot water bottles, blankets, sweaters, hot drinks.
2. Escapism - Distraction, losing yourself in something for a while. For me, that is art. Art has saved me, right now my living room now looks like an art studio.
3. Brain Dump - Get it all out on paper.
4. Create Ambience - There is nothing better than a comforting atmosphere inc. candles, pillows, fresh flowers, whatever makes you feel calm. 
5. Seek comfort.
6. Stop - Have the courage to stop when the world is most demanding, only then clarity and peace can be found.
7. Self-forgiveness - When we pick fault with ourselves, we are not allowing room for growth or learning. We are trying our best and that is all we can ask for.
8. Ask for help - As with anything in life, knowing someone has your back, boosts our emotional and physical well being.
9. Accept help - Accepting help really does make a difference, it eases the pressure we feel.
10. One thing at a time.
11. Ask for space if needed - If it all feels too much, lay down some boundaries and have a strategy in place.
12. Always choose sleep - The impact that lack of sleep has, is so challenging on our minds and body. If sleep doesn't come easily, take some quiet time, read a book, hot drink. Do not do what I do, which is to watch Episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy followed by cleaning my house at 4am.  
13. Be mindful of negative self-talk - We need to try and be our own best friend, treat ourselves with compassion and kindness, remember that words can either heal or harm. 
14. Music - Music is incredibly powerful, put together a playlist of songs that sooth or make you feel good.
15. Breathe - Remember to breathe. The aim is to slow our breathing down by taking deeper mindful breaths. 

I am feeling very fortunate that today I am able to see slightly clearer, I do not have blurred vision from tears, I am not paralysed to my kitchen floor, wondering when the madness will stop and I'll feel safe within my own mind. I am very fortunate that today, right now, I am able to use these effective points to enable me to continue being a slightly functioning human. 

The last few days I've really had to practice what I preach. I've had to accept help even though being raw and vulnerable gives me the shakes. I've had to preach self-forgiveness to myself because after all, I am only human, and a hypersensitive one at that. I've had to try and be my own best friend, don't get me wrong, my treatment team are amazing, but when I am not in their presence or I don't have them on the end of the phone, I need to treat myself the way I would treat my small children if they were hurting.  

I guess what I have learnt is that I cannot hate myself better, I cannot magically self-criticise my struggles away. I cannot improve the situation by tearing myself down until there is nothing left to build upon. I need to move through the hard feelings slowly, with care. Picking up pieces of them, studying them, learning from them because there are healing and joy waiting on the other side. No one said I had to push through this alone, or in silence, and I know that now. 

It's okay not to be okay. Just don't go through it alone.