I ate cake and the world didn't cave in around me.

'Stop thinking so much, you're breaking your own heart.' 

I sat in a cafe, cosied up to my dietitian, before us laid a coffee as large as my head and cake. My dietitian bought me coffee and cake, she took us on a coffee date and it was incredibly cute. Cake was not the plan, cake was not suppose to happen, it was a spontaneous decision my dietitian made as we made our way to coffee. So we made an agreement; we would share cake.

I think for the whole time that we were together, I forgot to breathe. I held on

to my dietitian so tight that at one point I thought I was going to break. But she held onto me too, she didn't make a big deal out of things, we talked work and art and shared pictures of our lives outside of this anorexic world that has me so consumed. To the outside world we were two people catching up over coffee, but to us, this was a big milestone, it was a big deal and a memory I want to forever hold onto. 

My eating disorder has made me so incompetent when it comes to eating food- I couldn't remember how to eat cake. I don't remember the last time I used cutlery. My dietitian showed me step by step how to eat cake, well Tiffin to be precise (I didn't even know that chocolate tiffin existed or what it was until today), eating disorders can be highly embarrassing and shameful. But my dietitian sits close to me, so close, and I hold onto her so tight, I fear I will break, she takes my sensitivity and my fear, she takes it all, and she is so incredibly gentle with me and with my vulnerability. 

AS (dietitian) reminded me that I am not weak just because everything in my mind and heart feels so damn heavy, she reminded me to never give up on the person I am becoming. She reminded me that it's okay, that the person I am is okay, that I am not my monsters, that I am not what my perpetrators have done to me, and that is the first time ever in my life I have felt that. 

I adore AS, she is fierce and full of sass, she is strong, incredibly strong. I would love to have half the strength that she has. Today AS made me believe that I am brave and smart and capable of accomplishing all of my dreams. 

Scarred hearts don't heal, but over time the scars can change, they can become smoother, softer and some scars can even fade away.

So here is to AS, and coffee and cake. Because today I ate cake and the world didn't cave in around me.