I need to make friends with my Dietitian.

My dietitian sits before me, arms folded, stern look on her face, She tells me she doesn't know what to do with me, 'You refuse to be weighed, on minimum nutritional value and a history of ulcerative colitis'. I make a joke about how I need a new brain, but really, I just need to make friends with my dietitian and break up with my eating disorder.
I can talk the talk, agree to meal plans, smile a sweet smile, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty work, I struggle a lot, and find that I can barely keep my head above water.
I shake, my whole body trembles, she can see this, she can't miss it, I am under her eye. I sit before a (very lovely) lady who once tubed me and placed me under a section. The past has seen us fight until blue in the face, it's seen us laugh... a lot, but most recently our time together has seen tears and frustration and fear. I'm scared and lost in the dark. 
So I question,What is recovery?
Is it eating ice cream at 3am because anxiety has taken away your sleep? Is it hankering down with chocolate and a film on a rainy afternoon? Is it playing Beyonce, very loud on your wireless headphones and having some kind of one woman dance party in your living room?
Or maybe recovery is simply being able to get through the day or being able to smile and laugh and actually feel again.
To me, it is all of those things. But It is also making friends with my dietitian.
My dietitian is warm and bubbly and she is beautiful, inside and out. She will go out of her way and do ANYTHING to help and support her patients, I have now been her patient for many years, and I adore her. But no matter how much I like her or trust her, recently I haven't been able to take a step away from my eating disorder. I find I am drowning in-between scheduled appointments, I get all hot and panicky and I feel like I am being suffocated by this inside monster, who is clouding my thoughts.

So I have a decision to make, I either walk towards my Dietitian and fight to get back to baseline or I continue to allow my eating disorder to fester and grow. Can I punch this relapse in the face and stand tall? 
So here's to AS. I don't want to spend my time fighting my dietitian, Fighting the lady who is fighting my eating disorder, surely we are on the same side.