Being Homless

You can write letters within a white cloud as my breath hits the cold air. I have multiple jumpers on and 3 blankets wrapped up tightly, all you can see is my head within a heap of layers but my body still shakes with the cold. My hands turn numb and tingle in desperation off needing warmth. I am homeless, not on the streets homeless but living in a garden shed homeless. I have been living in the shed now for 6 weeks, but it's not about being homeless, it's how being homeless makes you feel. 

The days come and go without you noticing, head hanging heavy, full of sand, unable to function in a manner that you recognize. The nights are long and dark and chained up to every emotion, watching you drown. You become afraid of sleeping, 5 weeks in and I am still terrified of sleeping. But most of all you feel worthless, you question every life decision you have ever made, your mind plays over every life event, and puts them on repeat. You grieve for the good, You mourn the life you once had. 

It does get easier, in time. My body has adjusted to the winter cold air and as a result my body no longer shakes quite as vigorously as previous. You prepare yourself for the long emotional nights that hold you hostage to your own being. You add your favourite song to your alarm so that your morning wake up call is done with a smile rather than a sigh. I have added paintings and motivational quotes to my wooden shell. And in the end, it’s all the little things, all the stereotypes that help get you through the dark of the night or that early morning dread. There are many times when I have to close my eyes and count to 10 to stop myself from screaming. 

But, being homeless does get easier. I am very lucky that I am surrounded by a circle of support. My best friend makes me laugh on almost a daily basis, laughter didn't come at first, but 6 weeks in and I've found my smile again.