I am against body shaming. As the feminist I am, I stand up for the rights of our female anatomy. But today, what I did, was not standing up for the rights of my body. What I did today, I would never dream of doing to anyone else, so why did I make it okay to do it to myself, to my very own body?
Today I stood before the mirror, looking very sun-kissed from the beginnings of our English Summer, my Spanish olive skin starting to tan and glow. My short little legs poking out from my shorts, freckles slowly starting to surface. But today, the physicalities of my body were so hard to see. My legs are so large, and yes I have always known that, but I try so hard to pretend that it doesn't bother me. With every dimple and imperfection came another punch of hurt, came another whisper of inner hate.
It wasn't long before I was body shaming. Doesn't matter that I was body shaming my own body, I was going against something I believed was so wrong. I have been body shaming my own body for 17 years, in fact, this is the first summer that I have braved my inner critique and worn shorts more times than I can count, braving my arms and scars for the world to see, allowing the world to see my body for just the way it is; stomping my way through self hate and perceived judgement because... act confident and no one will question you.
Today I let self-hate and my inner critique win, I pulled off my shorts and pulled on the comfort of my leggings, the same leggings that have hugged my legs on every occasion that I have felt embarrassed and ashamed by the physicalities of my body.
A few weeks ago in therapy, I was asked to write a commitment towards my body, I wrote 5. One being - 'Always be mindful of the way I treat my body...'. Today I was ashamed and disgusted by what I saw instead of reminding myself of all things it can do.
So body, I apologise, I apologise for being so embarrassed by your physical appearance, I am sorry for letting self-hate cloud my judgement of you.
Dear Body, I'm sorry.
Today I stood before the mirror, looking very sun-kissed from the beginnings of our English Summer, my Spanish olive skin starting to tan and glow. My short little legs poking out from my shorts, freckles slowly starting to surface. But today, the physicalities of my body were so hard to see. My legs are so large, and yes I have always known that, but I try so hard to pretend that it doesn't bother me. With every dimple and imperfection came another punch of hurt, came another whisper of inner hate.
It wasn't long before I was body shaming. Doesn't matter that I was body shaming my own body, I was going against something I believed was so wrong. I have been body shaming my own body for 17 years, in fact, this is the first summer that I have braved my inner critique and worn shorts more times than I can count, braving my arms and scars for the world to see, allowing the world to see my body for just the way it is; stomping my way through self hate and perceived judgement because... act confident and no one will question you.
Today I let self-hate and my inner critique win, I pulled off my shorts and pulled on the comfort of my leggings, the same leggings that have hugged my legs on every occasion that I have felt embarrassed and ashamed by the physicalities of my body.
A few weeks ago in therapy, I was asked to write a commitment towards my body, I wrote 5. One being - 'Always be mindful of the way I treat my body...'. Today I was ashamed and disgusted by what I saw instead of reminding myself of all things it can do.
So body, I apologise, I apologise for being so embarrassed by your physical appearance, I am sorry for letting self-hate cloud my judgement of you.
Dear Body, I'm sorry.
You are my very own universe, you house my soul, my spirit, my being. I certainly take for granted all that you do. I LOVE that you keep my heart beating so I can keep loving, I LOVE that because of you, I can cradle and nurse those children, because of you I can tell them how beautiful and smart and kind-hearted they are. Because of you, I can hold them close and watch them grow. Because of you, I could watch Ozzy take his first steps, I can hear Josephine’s little giggle, we get to take adventures and makes forts out of bed sheets and go for picnics, we read bedtime stories and make up songs, we laugh, and we love each other... a lot, and I thank you for that. You have given me the best gift in life.
Thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for always holding me up, especially at times when I have been unable to hold myself up. Thank you for always carrying me up every mountain, physically and metaphorically, so I always get that chance to see just how incredible the world is, even if I don’t feel it within myself. I am truly, honestly blessed to have you as my body, the home for my soul, my spirit, my being.
I’m sorry I destroyed you in the process of destroying myself.
Hannah-Louise.
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