Only two more evenings until I see the girls I so desperately miss, the girls that laughed in hysterics with me, the girls who gave endless hugs and the girls who passed me the tissues when in sobs of tears... Only two more evenings.
Life after treatment is 100x harder than life in treatment... I'm not entirely sure what I envisioned life to be like once I walked back into the world. Perhaps I was being naive in thinking that it would be slightly easier than I originally thought. Or perhaps I expected it to be this difficult but failed to believe it, I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm lost in the heat of it all. Headphones in, world out, drowning out those niggling, intolerable, eating disordered thoughts, trying to ignore their existence. Life outside of treatment is 100x harder. There are moments throughout the day where you are crippled with loneliness, it is quite literally yourself and your eating disorder, battling it out, in the cold bitterness of your own mind. You hopelessly gaze into your surroundings and wonder for minutes on end if you are doing the right thing. You can not go running to your key worker or assigned nurse and ask them to fight with you, you are expected to stand on your own two feet, firmly on the ground and power through this yourself. There are times when you feel massively unprepared for the sudden outbursts of emotions or thoughts or feelings that the eating disorder throws your way. You do not have staff sat beside you at meals times, reassuring you, prompting you, being there for you. You quite simply have to power through it yourself. And there are many moments throughout the day where you have to pick it up, pick it all up and start again... And maybe that's okay.
Life outside of treatment is 100x harder.
I am lucky to have friends who catch me just before I fall, to hold me up as I trip over my own feet, who sit before me with pots of tea as I blubber about my multiple moments of self doubt.
I am lucky to have a girlfriend who wipes away the endless tears, who holds the hands that shake, who loves me, despite MY madness.
And I am very lucky to have met some incredible girls who remind me that I am not alone, whom I still eat with, just at a different table.
Life after treatment is 100x harder than life in treatment... I'm not entirely sure what I envisioned life to be like once I walked back into the world. Perhaps I was being naive in thinking that it would be slightly easier than I originally thought. Or perhaps I expected it to be this difficult but failed to believe it, I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm lost in the heat of it all. Headphones in, world out, drowning out those niggling, intolerable, eating disordered thoughts, trying to ignore their existence. Life outside of treatment is 100x harder. There are moments throughout the day where you are crippled with loneliness, it is quite literally yourself and your eating disorder, battling it out, in the cold bitterness of your own mind. You hopelessly gaze into your surroundings and wonder for minutes on end if you are doing the right thing. You can not go running to your key worker or assigned nurse and ask them to fight with you, you are expected to stand on your own two feet, firmly on the ground and power through this yourself. There are times when you feel massively unprepared for the sudden outbursts of emotions or thoughts or feelings that the eating disorder throws your way. You do not have staff sat beside you at meals times, reassuring you, prompting you, being there for you. You quite simply have to power through it yourself. And there are many moments throughout the day where you have to pick it up, pick it all up and start again... And maybe that's okay.
Life outside of treatment is 100x harder.
I am lucky to have friends who catch me just before I fall, to hold me up as I trip over my own feet, who sit before me with pots of tea as I blubber about my multiple moments of self doubt.
I am lucky to have a girlfriend who wipes away the endless tears, who holds the hands that shake, who loves me, despite MY madness.
And I am very lucky to have met some incredible girls who remind me that I am not alone, whom I still eat with, just at a different table.
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