Sometimes I really hate Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes I feel as though there is no point to it, that it doesn't make sense. It latches onto my tiredness, digging its claws into my soul and making me feel every sharp stab of its existence. I've had such a beautiful day and yet I sit here this evening and my mood is scratchy, irritable, restless. I'm exhausted, head heavy exhausted, too tired to function. I am capital brain fog. But within that brain fog, are feelings and emotions racing around at 100mph, I feel my skin crawling, my heart banging hard against the walls of my chest and in all honesty, I would quite like to bang my head against a brick wall to knock out those critters. I cannot settle.
I've just come off the phone to my out of hours treatment team, tear stained, sensitive, red eyed. They tried, they really did try to ground me, but I can still feel the punches of BPD/EUPD, strangling me with its whispers, it takes the air out of my lungs and suddenly, I'm caught up... I'm caught up... again.
I'm caught up, I'm nauseous, No options, exhausted, mind screaming, insides shaking, don't let me spill over, don't let me spill over.
I try to work through the emotional tornado that BPD brings, I try to sit with the chaos and confusion, gently reminding myself that this too shall pass. I get stuck between a determined mind and a fragile heart. My thoughts are brutal and I try to sit with the chaos without the need for self-destruction.
I light my candles and sip sweetly on my tea and pray to a Lord (who I'm not even sure exists) to bring me calm, to settle the screams that come from within. I long for the gentle touch of a loved one, someone to tell me I'm going to be okay, but the truth is, I only have myself. So I light my candles and sip sweetly on my tea, and once the whirlwind of BPD reaches a manageable level, I will grab my sketchbook and create, I will withdraw the last of the storm in the hope I will be able to settle.
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