I have left a lot of things unsaid, 1- because I don’t know how to endure the pain of physically getting the words out, and 2- due to pure shame, fear, and embarrassment. As a result, these words left unsaid, these silent words, have eaten away at my very sensitive soul. I’m now trapped within a world, an existence, that is purely myself and my insecurities/mental health/problems/thoughts/behaviours. I feel lost and defeated and I don’t know who to turn to or which direction to take. How do I withdraw the poison that lives so strongly within my veins?
The problem that I have with the mental health services is that they are very symptom based. They want to help fix my symptoms rather than crawl to rock bottom with me and work on filling in the cracks of my foundations. Fixing symptoms is great, I need those coping skills as an armor. But I also need the delicate questions of, ‘Why are you hurting so much you self-harm, restrict, exercise?’ No one asks the questions of ‘Why are you so angry that it becomes impossible to communicate?’ No one asks the questions ‘why?’. Instead, they place that band-aid upon my arm, prescribe me the PRN to stop my nerves from shaking, they hand me a list of known distractions in the hope to steer me away from homemade destruction. Well known questions asked by my treatment team:
The problem that I have with the mental health services is that they are very symptom based. They want to help fix my symptoms rather than crawl to rock bottom with me and work on filling in the cracks of my foundations. Fixing symptoms is great, I need those coping skills as an armor. But I also need the delicate questions of, ‘Why are you hurting so much you self-harm, restrict, exercise?’ No one asks the questions of ‘Why are you so angry that it becomes impossible to communicate?’ No one asks the questions ‘why?’. Instead, they place that band-aid upon my arm, prescribe me the PRN to stop my nerves from shaking, they hand me a list of known distractions in the hope to steer me away from homemade destruction. Well known questions asked by my treatment team:
1- What have you eaten today?
2- How much have you eaten today?
3- Have you had fluids?
4- How much fluids?
5- Sleep, how’s your sleep, Hannah?
But they don’t get on their hands and knees to my level to help me figure out why.
I feel like an inconvenience to the world, I feel like an inconvenience. And I have a treatment team who put their focus and concentration into medication and distraction. I am holding hands with sadness (not depression, because sadness and depression are two very different things). I am, lost, incredibly lonely and very scared. Scared of who I have become, who I am becoming, scared of my situation and scared of the journey out of this situation. But I have a treatment team who cover me head to toe in band-aids and drown my rattling nerves with medication. I really shouldn't be complaining, should I?
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