Pounding those pavements.

I have that urge, that urge to put one foot in front of the other and pound those pavements. That urge causing the butterfly effect in the pit of my stomach. I feel restless, fingertips tapping, busily flying from one ‘to do’ task to another, but those niggling thoughts are persistent, they knock heavily on the walls of my mind, reminding me that they are still there, that they are ALWAYS there. The sun shining, blue sky, birds singing; it’s like the world is calling me out of this room, out of this dark box of myself. I try to remind myself that I have already pounded those pavements today, that there is absolutely no need to go again and that the taste of my coffee and the sweet sound of Spotify are far more soul friendly at this given point, yet again reminding myself that I have been out of hospital less than 24 hours. So, I’m sat here with headphones on, coffee to my right, trying to figure out a plan that is going to stop me from reaching for those trainers.

Okay, FOCUS Hannah. Bloody FOCUS. FOCUS. You deserve to rest, I deserve to rest, even when our bodies are rattling with temptation, with fear of what could happen if we don’t act upon those bloody rituals that are so ingrained. I think of my psychologist and what she would be saying to me right now, I cling tight to her words, ‘you need to rest, resting is a form of medicine, you have permission to rest.’

My plan of action to keep me relatively sane during the fight against anorexia includes:

• Listening to music that makes me smile.
• Make my way through all the podcasts I’ve downloaded.
• Put on my boxing gloves and punch anorexia square in the face, although anorexia is within my mind so technically I’ll be punching myself; probably shouldn’t do that, my treatment team will probably section me. 
•  Finish designing and painting the wedding logo that is due in very, very soon.
• Herbal tea.
•  Essential oils in the defuser.
• Yoga, maybe some yoga, is it okay to do a little yoga whilst being fresh out of hospital?!
• Try and keep my shit together.
• Oh and eat, yes that would be a good idea. 

In the words of my psychologist, IT IS OKAY TO REST.